Sunday, April 19, 2009

Camera boxes form a cage

I used to drink to my blinding faith... Now I just drink. It's a funny thing to "live" in a constant state of escapism. I thought it was needed for a while... That was until today. And yet I still find myself wanting to escape further, and if I can't do that then at least dull it all down a bit, which I suppose is still a form of escapism.
Oh, so what happened today? Shit.
Today I couldn't escape. Really. I was trapped. Working on a shoot watching camera boxes. I think there was a period of around 5 hours, at some point in the day, where I didn't even speak to or see another person... Trapped. Trapped in my own mind. Cigarettes, Ipod, cage. My Ipod has been so good to me until today. Usually it helps me release anger one sliver at a time while skating wildly through the streets of Paris. Today it only helped to blur my vision, even hallucinate. It's funny when you hear certain pieces of music that bring back memories as if it were the first time recalling them. I was not on the shoot today at all in fact. I was inside my television. I was so fixated, drawn in. So much pain yet so irresistible. Upon reflecting, the part that scares me is this: If I felt such pain in the beginning, then went numb, then felt it again even stronger... What lies ahead?
Funny enough that the pain wasn't the part that bothered me most. What bothered me most was all the questions and fantasized scenarios. Picturing what I might have said or acted like at certain moments. Thinking through the entire chain of events and speculating what I might have missed or overlooked. Even going into times previous to this most devastating past few months and gaining suspicions even to the point of creative fabrication. Knowing that I'm indulging in this sort of stupid mind fuck, and at the same time truly convincing myself. Hmmm. Maybe Idle time isn't the best time spent right now.

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